MS: Today I Feel Angry

I have to admit that my feelings about my status quo change almost daily. No matter how much I try to rope in my moods and put on a mask of gratitude, I most certainly do not FEEL gratitude every waking moment. Just the nature of the MonSter I suppose.

I’ve become acutely aware of my feelings over the past several years and I notice a pattern: I go through cycles of low-level depression/anger every couple of months. It’s a vicious loop, but I imagine it just goes with my personal situation: being out of the workforce at the tender age of 38. I am not feeling sorry for myself or asking for sympathy, but merely acknowledging how I feel. Feelings ARE legitimate and with multiple sclerosis (or any other chronic illness) they can and WILL fluctuate, depending on the circumstances of the day. So I feel the low simmer of anger today as I sit here and feel underproductive, underutilized, and definitely underpaid! Where went that career I was promised in my early 20’s?…

A lot of days I DO NOT feel angry. I feel downright blissful and productive and appreciated. These are usually the days when I leave the house to volunteer or be with family and/or friends. Full days that remind me of how I used to be. Today is no such day. I need to self-start and motivate myself to study for a class test (I’m taking a psychology class which I do, in fact, love.) And some days I find this very tricky. I have also been sending out job inquiries with little response. So I stew….. I try to explain this pervasive feeling of anger / depression to others who don’t have MS and I don’t think I’m fully understood. The anger stems from a lack of utilization. I am like a slightly older toy, sitting and waiting for use because I am still mobile and physically viable, just slightly slow and gently worn. Under the right conditions and with a little care, I can work and be useful.

Here are some things I’ve found that really burn my Bunson:

  • I look at my years-old clothes in my closet, and I wanna bag everything up and bring it to Good Will. But I haven’t any extra money– because I’m underemployed— to buy a new winter wardrobe. The same holds true when I wanna pitch all of my old housewares/bedding/linens and I realize my money’s already spent.
  • I see some able-bodied person landing a journalism job outside of the home and I wish it was me.
  • I make contacts for new writing opportunities and I hear nary a response! This one REALLY singes…
  • I haven’t a grasp of where the day will go— too much free time— and I long for a no-brainer schedule.
  • I KNOW I should be making a reasonable living as an educated, full-fledged adult and I am NOT.

Now I admit that a lot of this anger is trivial, but that’s the way it is. Some days are just not the “full-of-gratitude, I’m-successfully-fighting-my-MS, I-won’t-let-this-condition-ruin-my-mood” sorts of days. Nothing wrong with that. The feelings are honest and they too shall pass. But they are real and they have a right to be acknowledged.

14 comments

  • Erin

    Bingo- you hit the nail on the head. I have days like this too. And its hard when people tell you they admire your strenght, when you feel everything but strong.

    ((hugs))

  • And then add the rain that never seems to stop and the mood is in the toilet. Hot cocoa, mini marshmallows and what the heck a shot of Bailey’s

  • I am right there with you!

  • Be pissed. We can’t all be sunshine all the time. At times life sucks even without the MS and with it; it is sometimes excruciating. I too am angry today, not about MS but about all the BS that keeps coming my way even when I try to keep my nose clean.

  • Jen

    Believe me when I tell you that I’ve MASTERED the art of anger! LOL…Just ask my husband and my mother. I posted this because I think a lot of MSers go through this and feel guilty about these feelings. I’m a firm believer in ranting my anger as opposed to holding it in and developing a more debilitating depression. But sometimes the two (anger / depression) are so closely linked that it’s hard to tell what is going on. Either way: “better out than in” (as the lovable Shrek would say.)

  • Yup.
    Yup.
    Yup.

    That’s not trivial, just the truth.

  • Jen:

    Your anger is NOT trivial! Those of us who have been in your situation or are there now with you completely understand. I understand your frustration and how important having a purpose outside the home is to keeping a person sane and happy (been there, done that, dread doing it again).

    In today’s job market, I am finding that the older toys do get left on the shelf and are only taken off when all the new ones are gone. Being a toy with more mileage I can relate, however, just know that one day the right opportunity will come along and when it does you’ll know why you had to wait. Why those calls didn’t come sooner etc.

    We’re here…vent away and know that you are an awesome person with a talent for writing and one day soon someone will be able to put your talents to good use and pay you handsomely for it! 🙂

  • Jen

    Do you think 6 years is lonnnnnnnnng enough?? LOL or I’d go insane. 😉

  • Helen

    Fight or Flight? Today my anger makes me want to FIGHT. (I guess my adreanal glands are working better.) So I’m looking at an alternative treatment–LDN and I’m excited by the possibilities. Remember, even a rock will weather. You are not alone. May you have more good days than bad. Sincerely. Helen

  • Damn straight! Giver er a $%^& #$%^& $%^&* once in awhile!! We earned it! $%^&*(O)P!!!

  • Eva

    Jen, I thought I was alone. I too try to be that perky person. Sometimes it’s just too hard I know I’m strong, but I’m also human. Jen that was beautiful thank you for sharing.

  • Jen

    Thanks for reading, everyone. I’m so glad we have each other and can relate to all of this. That’s what this website is all about. No one has to be alone in this.

  • my fear is that I might be fooling myself that I can handle the MS…am i kidding myself? my father in law had MS for 35 years and it was horrible on the family, so I can see the possibilities for me

  • Jen

    I don’t think you’re fooling yourself. I think you are a different patient than your father-in-law and you just have to see where your path takes you. Yes, you may have a similar path as him, but it’s not a given. Thankfully MS is very individual and no two cases are exactly alike. This makes it difficult to know what will happen to you, but— JOYFULLY— you will not know what will happen and you can create your own life and live it the best that you can.

    Thanks for reading, Mike, and I hope for your courage and individuality to take your life by the bullocks and LIVE.

    Jen

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